Understanding your apology language

Letting another person, whether it is a friend, family member, or partner know how you want to be loved can make you feel more valued. It is apparent that understanding this concept can help you develop all kinds of healthy connections.

However, the relationships you build should be centered not just on love but also on learning how to repair issues; you’ve probably not given it enough consideration, but your apology language is important to consider, especially when everyone expects something different to get over a conflict.

What you need to know about your apology language

Similar to love language, apology language determines how to move forward in a relationship. “I’m sorry” is a good start, but it might come across as the bare minimum for others. Sometimes, an apology only counts when it is meaningful to a person.

Gary Chapman, Ph.D., the person who invented the 5 love languages, and psychologist Jennifer Thomas, Ph.D., developed the apology language system. 

The first is expressing regret, which is centered on another person’s guilt and shame for causing you pain. Hearing a genuine “I’m sorry” or “I’m ashamed for what I did” can help you feel heard. You want the person who has hurt you to own the emotional distress they’ve caused. 

The second language is accepting responsibility where you want someone to own up to their misdeeds. You want to hear them say that it is their fault without any excuses. 

The third language is making restitution where you value a person’s explanation for their wrongdoings. Apart from this, you want to hear them assure you that they will try to meet your needs and their plan on making it up to you. 

The fourth language is planned change which focuses on showing you their intention to improve including specific actions to prevent making the same mistake again. No matter how much someone apologizes to you, you will never find it acceptable until you’ve seen a difference. 

The final language is requesting forgiveness that is centered on providing you the space to accept an apology. You want to be able to choose whether or not to forgive someone rather than having it forced upon you.

How your relationship can be better by knowing each other’s apology language

Whether it’s intentional or unintentional, you will hurt people and they will hurt you. 

Every human being is wired differently. After a fight, hearing the words “I’m sorry, I accept responsibility for my actions” may be enough for you. However, for some, the words “I’m sorry” may be meaningless. This is why a fight may swiftly kill your relationship.

When someone wrongs you, you may assume they are indifferent to your feelings. However, they may only be expressing it in ways they are capable of.

Understanding your and others’ apology language will create an environment in which all parties will feel heard and respected after a conflict.

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Source: we the pvblic