You can’t spell friendship without END

Filipinos are family-oriented. Family isn’t exclusive to blood relatives; they can also be the ones we choose. Our friends are an example. They’re the ones who we tag in relatable memes and annoying trolls in the comment section.

But friendships are not always built like that forever. Sometimes, the ones you envision your future with turn out to have other plans that don’t include you.

Personally, my fair share of major friendship break-ups held me captive. There may be few I let slip nonchalantly, but there were also some I can’t pridefully shrug my shoulders to because IT. HURTS.

In commemorating past versionSSSS of myself and in celebration of my willingness to live, I’d like to give the full credit to a few people who outfitted me with so many life lessons and equal amounts of hurt.

The ones who choose to walk away

This one probably hurts the most. Frankly, just before we finally had the chance to be friends, it already occurred to me that our time together will last momentarily. What I failed to anticipate is that it wouldn’t end as gradually as I thought it would be. What we shared was swift.

What’s funny is that I feel like she’s staying out of pity; afraid to break me but eager to yeet out. Maybe that’s the reason why when I finally did something that could potentially break our bond, she took it as a chance to finally take off.

No chances of saying my deep apologies. Just her, waiting for me to ruin something so she could have her way out. My actions are overly justified, while hers was unreasonable. For that, I must say: Congratulations! She earned herself a breath of relief, while I earned myself newfound trust issues.

The ones who made their stay worthwhile

She told me she’s leaving next year to study abroad. I didn’t believe it at first, but I make the best out of bad days anyway.

We started sneaking out in-between classes equipped with random stories and shared overpriced dumplings from the school’s cafeteria (if you know me IRL, please look away). We made it a habit to meet each other at 7/11 before class. My favorite thing to do with her is discussing our recent fanfic reads like it’s an academic paper.

Our friendship was established out of a broken friendship. I guess both of us were seeking a sense of belonging during those times that we failed to grasp in our past friends; that’s why we’re attentive to each others’ feelings.

Not minding if all falls through, since every possible landing is comforted by a heavy blanket the two of us laid. This one is the greatest I’ve ever had. Unfortunately, what makes them “best” to consider is the certainty that they somewhat ended.

The ones I left

I’m not a cardigan someone can easily pull off under their beds whenever they feel cold and convenience is the only thing they can seek of, but boy did I become one. It was more of a call of convenience than of friendship which I helplessly endured on my account. It takes, and takes, and takes, and takes, ‘til I can feel the exhaustion catching up. It reached to a point wherein it’s like they’re holding a bomb and asking me to disarm it.

Disarming a bomb potentially could break the both of us is risky. It took us quite a while to finally come to peace that we’re consuming each other badly, and that we’re no good to each other anymore.

But there might have been some sort of attempt to bring back the little connection between us too many times that kept me afloat, yet firmly hesitant. I’d rather much prefer to be at a safe distance than going on in circles. Hence them accepting the defeat, “Huwag mo akong kalimutan, ha.”

To which I quickly replied in my head: As if this is not worth remembering.

Leaving the porch light on for a reason

In the last episode of the longtime-running sitcom Modern Family, the concluding scene has compelled consumers to burst their dormant emotions. It closes with three homes and families welcoming pitch darkness by turning off their respective houses’ lights — signifying that the show has come to an end.

But after a beat, Phil Dunphy comes up with a decision to leave the porch light on because they’d eventually come back. He reasoned that it’s what people have always done, in both literal and metaphoric ways.

Maybe not in mine, though.

Either way, those who entered my life: the ones that walked away, the ones who made their stay worthwhile, and the ones I left have served their purpose ultimately.

I am this whole new redefined version of myself; yet each fraction of my being is made up of fragments of people whom I used to love. The tiny pieces of what they left, regardless good or bad, complete a furnished puzzle in which I willingly put together into place. Allowing every part of those relics to live in me.

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